I feel blue!

March 12, 2014
I’m thinking I really may have to stop breastfeeding soon.
I really don’t want to but Dexter is really biting lately. I can’t blame him, his gums are sore cos he’s had 3 teeth come through in the last 2 weeks and I can see at least one, maybe 2 more on the way.
Unfortunately he’s bitten in the exact same spot a couple of times and it’s now so sore I want to cry. Not only that, feeding him now makes me so nervous. It’s like playing with a mousetrap and wondering if it’s going to get your fingers. I really wanted to make it to at least one year old, anything over that would’ve been a bonus but even though I’m only 2 and a bit months away from that goal, I feel like I’m falling at the last hurdle. 

To add to this, I’m actually going away on Saturday for 2 nights and so I won’t be able to feed him between Saturday morning and Monday afternoon. I can’t express anything because it just doesn’t work anymore (I can try for over an hour and not even get an ounce) so I’ve a feeling my milk supply is just going to go bye bye and then to put it quite bluntly, I’ll be fucked.
I can’t say their aren’t going to be benefits to stopping. My boobs will be my own again, I can wear my normal bras and different tops and not have to worry about my boobs being accessible. But it still hurts to know that this could pretty much be the end.
I know it means he’s growing up and I’ll have so any other things to share with him and show him and teach him and learn from him but it still sucks and I don’t like it.

Also, I’ve been giving myself a bit of a hard time because he’s a little bit clingy. People have pointed it out but only in a way like ‘aww he just wants his mum’ if he stops crying when I pick him up or whatever and at baby club, on the odd occasion, he won’t want to play unless I’m right there literally holding his hand so I’ve been trying to step back a bit. I’ve been trying to get Liam to spent some time alone with him and I’ve been trying to move away from him at baby club and then I read something. It was just a little sappy quote thing, the type of thing you see all over the internet but it made me think hang on, why shouldn’t he have a cuddle if he wants one, why should I move away from him or get someone else to watch him. I’m his mum, he loves me and I love him more than I ever thought possible, so if he wants a cuddle, well then he’ll damn well get one and screw anyone that says different.
I don’t give a fuck.
Another reason I feel a bit blue is because he has to have an operation. I won’t go into details, well not now anyway, but he has to be put to sleep for it and I just feel so bad for him.
I’ll go into this one more another time but it’s been playing in my mind a lot today. He’s just so little and it makes me feel so bad for him
Anyway. I’m going to go now and wash these tears off my face. It’s been a glum sort of evening.

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